February 2012
36 posts
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Downton Abbey
I apologize, I didn’t realize that because you watch Downton Abbey you are now a master of the English language. DOWNTOWN ABBEY! DOWNTOWN ABBEY! DOWNTOWN ABBEY! Did a murderous specter of Robert Crawley appear after I mispronounced that retched place three times? No. Will you continue to dream about living in WWI English society? Probably, but I advise against it because it was a terrible...
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Infected 2.0
I had mentioned earlier that my work computer contracted some malware. They had to take away my computer. I learned an important lesson in all of this. That lesson is: Click on bad links at work and IT will upgrade you to a quad-core i3 with 4 GB of memory. A parable for the ages.
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Improper Use of Company Resources
In the past I have enjoyed posting examples of my coworkers’ misuse of the company printers. See here and here. I usually pin the print out to the wall for everyone to see along with a witty note. I thought I had found another one yesterday, but after close inspection it turned out to be an application for joint custody of children lost in a divorce settlement. So I opted to just...
My Back Hurts
I hurt my back sleeping, which has caused me to neglect aspects of my life such as this website. I apologize to those who’s days revolve around the content I post here. Since that is no one, you can all go to hell.
WatchHerman Dune - Be A Doll (And Take My Heart)
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Infected
A post on a website [cough, Clemmonade, cough] exposed my computer to a registry hack. IT had to quarantine my computer. I thought I might get in trouble, but the IT guy said: “No big deal man, this happened to me last week while I was on a Call of Duty forum.” Been there, done that I guess.
WatchWiretree - The Shore
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In Case You Need This Thing You Already Have
My coauthor on a document asked me to email him a copy of a reference we are using in our analysis. I did. He then forwarded the email to our technical reviewers. One of the reviewers is what I like to call “oversmart,” so smart that she is clueless. She can explain complex gaseous diffusion models, but is oblivious to the normal, everyday world. She forwarded me my original email with...
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Phở-Sho!
The shady, recently shut down gas station near me is now the shady, recently shut down gas station that serves Phở. You had me at shady.
WatchWATERS - Back To You
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Too Early To Fail
Got up for a 6:30 AM meeting this morning. This was much too early for anyone’s good. I spent the meeting feigning coherence and trying not to barf on the conference table. I checked my Twitter feed during, to find that my friend tweeted about a guy being named Steven Holt at his 5:00 AM meeting. Damn him for making my struggle seem meaningless.
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WatchFort Lean - Beach Holiday
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“Where the fuck are the mixing bowls?”
– Dana, frustrated with making a wedding registry
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“My young son wanted a pet. We got him two birds from the store. After a while,...”
– The old Indian man I work with
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Who Needs Coffee?
I went into the office super early yesterday to prep for a meeting. There was only one other guy there, so I stopped by his cube to catch up. He offered me a copy of a book about Christ, saying that it explains a lot of the contradictions and impossibilities in the story of Jesus. I told him I didn’t need such book. I said that most of those contradictions are raised by atheist looking to...
WatchGuster - Stay With Me Jesus
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Super Bowled
Lots of exciting things happened:
1. M.I.A. flipped the bird on national TV.
2. Hernandez opened the vault and made it rain.
3. I got bored of watching and changed the channel to the Puppy Bowl VIII just in time to catch the Kitty Cat Halftime Show.
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You Won An Undisclosed Contest
You won a Ford Escape Hybrid. At least that is what the lady on the phone told me. She couldn’t tell me where or when I had signed up for the contest, but this phone number had been picked last night! I told her that the owner of this phone was my recently deceased brother and that I would be interested in having the car donated to the Red Cross in his honor. She told me that was impossible....
WatchGuster - On The Ocean
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Lunch Topics
Colonoscopies came up during lunch yesterday. Explanations of drinking disgusting amounts of laxatives. Stories of inappropriate conversations with nurses. Vivid descriptions of instruments and after-procedure body functions. I am never eating with old men ever again.
WatchWaters - Tame Me Out To The Coast
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WatchThe Weekend - Montreal
January 2012
44 posts
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Amazon & the Use Tax
South Carolina has a “use tax” on things that are purchased outside SC, but “used” in SC. This traditionally includes online purchase. I usually throw the state a few bones for my online purchases, but have never fully itemized my spending. I intended on doing the same this year, but Amazon had to go ahead and send me an email disclosing the full amount I spent on items...
WatchÚlfur - Black Shore
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Half-Assed Green Shopper
I bought organic tomatoes. I don’t want pesticides, herbicides, and fratricides in my produce. I needed tomatoes for the tacos I plan to make this week. Since I am bad at being green, I also bought one the Taco Bell all-in-one taco kits. And what sold me wasn’t that it was whole grain or whatever, but because it came with a free package of Kool-Aid. I also use those reusable grocery...
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Ridiculous Presents for Harley
1. An inflatable decoy tank.
2. A personal indoor vertical skydiving wind tunnel.
3. Treasure Buddies on DVD.
WatchBlitzen Trapper - Taking It Easy Too Long
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“I can’t stand when they put ugly kids in these things”
– Dana on “Toddlers in Tiaras”
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US Navy SEALs Rescue Aid Workers →
I am thinking of going to Somali to work for an aid group so that I can get kidnapped and then rescued by bad-ass Navy SEALs. Gotta cross that off my bucket list.
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Never Give Knives as Gifts 2.0
The knives I ordered for groomsmen gifts arrived. Caught up in the desire to order a specific style of knife, I didn’t look closely at the specifications of the knife before I bought ten of them. I was surprised to find that they are huge. I am talking man-gutting huge. I am talking sneak-up-on-an-elk-and-slit-its-throat huge. I am talking actually-illegal-in-several-states huge (seriously,...
WatchThe National - Fake Empire
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Ruined
Dana and I were trying to enjoy a plate of oysters on the half-shell in Charleston when it was ruined by the annoying conversations of the people next to us. They were at the age where they were all recently divorced, had teenage kids for whom they were terrible role models, and were trying to enjoy life how the women on The Housewives of Whatever tell them they should. This included bashing their...
