January 2011
42 posts
Grease Trap
Dana and I made tacos last night. Making tacos involves browning ground beef and draining off the excess grease. We were careful not to pour it down the sink as we recently clogged our pipes with what we suspect was grease. So we drained the grease into a frijoles negros can for safe disposal later. To our dismay the delicious smelling can of meat grease and black bean juices attracted the...
WatchSeveral Symptoms - Far From Home
Iced Coffee
In an attempt to make my own iced coffee at work, I place a cup of coffee into the office’s full size freezer to cool it. After sufficient cooling I add ice and Bam! Iced coffee. This morning I returned to the freezer to fetch my cooled coffee and found it had spilled all over the bottom of the freezer. So instead of getting work done and acting like a normal person, I held back my tears and...
Real Dungeons, Fake Dragons
A recent ruling by a U.S. Court of Appeals outlawed the playing of Dungeons & Dragons in federal prisons. The judges stated that the organization of the game and hierarchy in which the players operate are not unlike those of organized crime and that playing D&D would foster those tendencies. Who knew that Atlanta street gangs and New Jersey Mafias used twenty-sided dice and monster manuals...
Damn the Gates, Full Speed Ahead
The gates to my apartment complex were rammed again last night. In the past it was clearly someone either returning home drunk from the bars or people who couldn’t get in and didn’t have time for formalities. But this time the exit gate was rammed. Since the out-going gate requires no prox-card and opens quickly when approached, I am at a loss for why one would ram the gate on the way...
WatchOne Day as a Lion - Wild International
From Nine to Eleven at a Reasonable Volume
In classic Office Space fashion, a coworker has been complaining to me about his cubicle neighbor playing her radio too loud. Adding insult to injury, she listens to country music. This means on top of listening to the terrible music phenomenon that is country, he as to endure the incessant radio ads that come on between songs. Although the rational plan of action would be to first ask her to turn...
Go Pack, Go!
Nick: The Bears still suck!
Me: All I can say is that I’m getting laid tonight, are you?
Nick: I don’t know, girls might be real easy out in Green Bay tonight. But I have to work early tomorrow.
Me: Where are you working?
Nick: Just tutoring at a high school part time.
Me: I bet those Green Bay highschoolers are real easy.
Nick: Like fish in a barrel.
WatchThe Young Veins - Change
“I hate shopping at stores in Hawaii because I can never tell if the people...”
– Dave The Sailor
WatchMalajube - Porté disparu
Rosaries
Apparently wearing rosaries is the newest fashion fad. All good Catholics know that one should not wear a rosary as a necklace, but cool kids will be cool kids:
Dana: [Name], you can’t wear rosaries in school, take it off.
Cool Kid: But it’s for religious stuff.
Dana: Are you Catholic?
Cool Kid: Yeah.
Dana: Okay, recite the Hail Mary.
Cool Kid: You mean like the football pass?
WatchBlue Sky Black Death - Heart Attack
The Navy Blue Polo
There’s a guy at my company that is a certified lazy slob. Although he has a desk at my office, he does most of his work out at the facility. The rare times I see him in the office, he is wearing the same navy blue polo. I mentioned this observation to a friend, who works at the facility, and told me he wears that shirt for days at a time, without an under-shirt. One morning, like a little...
Hopscotch Day?
Google changed its logo today, which means something important happened. Being that I am currently at work, there is no way it could be some sort of National Holiday. Sarcasm aside, I would rather not be working on MLK Day, but would rather be playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. If MLK was alive today he might have added this line to his famous speech:
I have a dream that one day on the...
WatchThe Burning of Rome - Cowboy Death Pop Star
Wake up, it’s Monday.
Snowed In 2.0
Matt: I didn’t work today, did you?
Me: Yeah, but it was a delayed start.
Matt: I am working tomorrow, how are the roads?
Me: They’re fine.
Matt: Good, I drank the last of the milk.
WatchFreelance Whales - Enzymes
Lost Cat
Dana couldn’t find one of the cats yesterday. She feared she may have let it out accidentally. She frantically searched the apartment for her. She finally found her sleeping in my underwear/tie drawer. She did not appreciate the rude interruption of her cat nap. So remember the next time you see me wearing a tie, not only has it touched my cat, but also my underwear.
WatchDaniel Martin Moore - In the Cool of the Day
Snowed In
With a whopping three inches of snow on the ground Monday morning, Aiken came to a stand still. Residents foresaw this because when we went to the store on Saturday, there was no milk to be found. The selection of eggs and bread was slim as well. My office was closed and Dana’s school canceled. So we did what anyone stuck in their apartment with milk, eggs, and bread would do. We made french...
WatchDaft Punk - Derezzed
Spider-man on Broadway
I would think a string of serious injuries and $65 million invested is enough of a message that maybe a Spider-man musical on Broadway is a bad idea.
Irrational Fears
A list of my top three irrational fears:
1. Babies: To me they seem like weird, gross, mini-humans that can’t hold a decent conversation for their life. Irrational because we were all babies at one point or another in our lives.
2. Zombies: Most of my nightmares involve zombies attack or infestations. Irrational because they don’t exist.
3. Left-handed folk: I always become really...
Mistakenly?
What do you expect to happen when you mistakenly release an unstable criminal from prison? They do unstable, criminal things like hole up in a mall Baja Fresh with guns and hostages. I hope the unpaid summer intern that made that clerical error doesn’t get any course credit.
WatchNick Drake - River Man
“Martini is just another word for straight vodka in a large, fancy glass to...”
– A. W. Nelson
Grown Up
I would say I am fairly mature man for my age. I have a college education, good job, and a fiancee. Which is why I am slightly disturbed by the amount of toys I received for Christmas. This is not to say I want ties, socks, and shavers for the Christmas from now on, but pick up sticks? I guess I need to grow up some more.
