December 2011
33 posts
WatchThe Head And The Heart - When I Fall Asleep
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Rolling Back Prices, Expectations
Things I did at Walmart last night:
1. Bought two bags of frozen, cooked meatballs and a box of bagel dogs.
2. Got scolded by a woman for sticking my tongue out at her six year old daughter.
3. Took the wrong bag from the checkout line, got a box of cake mix, tub of cake icing, two cans of Pillsbury biscuits, and some magnum-sized condoms. Fair trade.
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Blood on the Snow
Just after lunch, the facility’s server center lost power, causing a catastrophic failure of the server banks. This knocked out our local area network and internet connection for the rest of the day. The tech support call center only yielded a busy signal. It was a total technology blackout. It was like kids suddenly being told that today was a snow day. People sat about drinking coffee and...
WatchBasement Jaxx - Raindrops
NSFW
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End of an Absurb Era
What will we do now that Kim Jong-il is dead? Probably spend less time browsing “Kim Jong Il Looking At Stuff.” But seriously, there will be a whole lot less Dear Leader hilariousness. We can only hope the North Korea will descend into a new level of absurdity right before it gets really not funny and people start dying. Oh wait, people die there everyday. So, all in all, this is probably...
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UPS Guy
The UPS guy knocked on my door this morning. I wasn’t working, so I was there to answer it. Answered it un-showered, in my boxers, and with a cat in my arms. He was so unsure of the situation that he asked me my name and address to confirm I wasn’t a psycho trying to steal the package from him. I can only hope that I am the weirdest people that UPS guy will meet today, but I am sure I...
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Iraq 3.0
U.S. troops are leaving Iraq before year’s end. Complete withdrawal will represent a major disengagement in the region. This leaves just over a year before the ten year anniversary of our invasion of that country. Just enough time for us to bring back Cheney, manufacture cause, and plan our re-invasion.
WatchKid Savant - Four Years
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Spellcheck Suggestions
Yesterday I used the term “sha-bang” in my post. My embedded spellchecker took issue with my spelling and politely suggested some other spellings, including:
aha-bang: Not a real word. Searches produced lots tweets similar to “Aha! Bang on time!” posted by Brits or Aussies I assume.
sh-bang: Not a real word. The first search hit produced “shebang” a Unix...
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Smile and Wave
I accidentally drove into a parade today. There were police, flares, and the whole sha-bang. So not to hold up the parade and lack of a better option I rolled with it for a block or two. I donned a pair of neon green Ray-Bans and waved at anyone who stopped to watch. I later learned it was a funeral procession.
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Girls Get All the Best Stuff, So Unfair
Blake: What are you wearing on your ring finger?
Shawn: It's a rubber o-ring.
Blake: Why are you wearing it?
Shawn: I told my fiancée that I didn't want a metal band until we get married.
Blake: I still don't understand why you are wearing it right now.
Shawn: Why do only girls get to wear engagement rings?
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“So my Mom got my Dad a new TV for the basement as a surprise Xmas gift. The Abt...”
– My Sister
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Fake Christmas Tree
We bought a fake Christmas tree this year instead of a real one. My cats were utterly disappointed to not find a water filled tree stand or what they called the “huge free bowl of smelly pine water that we like to drink.” I had to beat them away from it with a clementine filled tube sock. Now with no water bowl, I thought I was home free. The fake Christmas tree or what they call the...
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Dark and Somber Clothing
Dana took me to the wake of her coworker’s mother. We conveyed our condolences and paid our respects. Luckily the casket was closed because I can’t say for sure whether or not I would have tried to poke the body. Nothing pokes like a good dead body.
WatchMatisyahu - Miracle
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Constant Reminders
Things I have had to explain to Southerners lately:
1. That I had never had Chik-fil-A before moving down here.
2. What (not where) Korea is.
3. What a teabag is. Not the sexual euphemism. The actual bag that holds tea leaves which you place in a cup of hot water to make tea.
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Not Funny
Me: Dude, the guy in the stall next to me had an adult diaper on. How funny is that?
Nick: It was probably Tony, he had colon cancer. Not so funny, is it?
Me: No it is not.
